X marks the spot

x marks the spot. i understand that i was a bit of a mess, from the outside i was fine but once you got to know me, you realised i was a complete mess. at the start we would hang out at my house and watch tv shows on my laptop. i realised i liked you when i fell asleep on your chest, thats me being comfortable. however no matter how i felt or you felt i would never let you sleep over because i didnt want you to like me more and i didnt want us to step over the boundary of taking off our clothes. i wanted it to be real this time. i made you walk to mine, maybe because i wanted to know that you would make the effort just to see me and that meant so much to me, more than you realise. i wanted to know if you really liked me and if you would jump over my walls, i pushed you away to see if you would walk back, obviously in the end you didnt, i dont blame you i was a complete mess. those 9 months, i called a depression pregnancy because each and every month, the messy bubble within me grew. even when it sizzled out between us, you let me have a mental breakdown in front of you for two hours and never told a soul. i confessed my made up love for you and you still sat there and listened. i think the reason why i probably will never forget about you is because i know that if i was well and you could tolerate me, you would have made me happy, the kind of wake up and smile happy, the type of happy where i dont need tablets, the type of happy when the feeling of not wanting to be here is replaced with the feeling of being safe, the type of happiness thats real, that lasts more than a laugh from a comedian joke, a smile that lasts more than the fake smile you force when you see someone in the corridor. i suppose i missed my chance at that. but i know i will get it some day. well i hope anyway. i suppose in a way, thank you for giving me so many chances and to be honest even giving me those few nights where i was happy just laughing with you, thats true friendship. im kinda glad that you liked me because i showed you what a crazy girl is and what you didnt want in a girlfriend. so i suppose you should say thank you to me for my depression pregnancy. jokes. but thanks for the few months of friendship, it was nice to have.