i thought it would be different

anti-depressants are meant to bring out the inner true self; as ive been taking them for a over a year- im still depressed. my fear in life, isnt death but is in fact the question: is the true me depressed. depression can be different to everyone and when i look back to, for example, in year 11 when i used to cry in the toilets, i just put it down to hormones and 'everyone feels like this' and 'im only doing it for attention'. i realise now that, that was depression in its sneakiest form. theres a part of me that thinks im dreaming this all up for attention and then i get those moments where i have no motivation to do anything. i dont mean motivation to get on with a task or get up for work, i dont have the motivation to get out of bed, to go to uni, to talk to anyone, to do anything. i think about those who i have been friends with in the past and see how happy they are. im the common denominator that always is the odd one out. the reason why i stop being friends with someone isnt because of a disagreement; its me, look at my uni 'friends' they are all still friends, they dont miss me or care about me or probably even remember me- look at me and ellena, shes happy and yet im not- in no way am i angry that those people are happy without me, that they should want me around because to be honest, i dont want me around; its the reality that i make everyone around me miserable until i leave. i used to think that every relationship i have was a jigsaw and that if that relationship truely belonged together you would fit in like the missing piece but when i look at my relationship around me; my dad can be happy without me, my mum would be happy without me, my friends would be happy without me. nobody needs me and im not upset or having a hissy-fit that people have the audacity to be happy without me, its the fact that they are happIER when im not around. im in the way, i make problems, im not always the nicest to be around, i cause more negative emotions than positive ones.

im so scared because i cant see myself in the future; you know how people can see their house, future relationships, kids, their own car, a new life for themselves; i cant do that. i cant envision myself doing anything. this isnt because i have not chosen what i want to do with myself, i just see a black screen. when people think of depression, they think of suicide, which isnt far off but i dont want to kill myself, i just dont want to be around anymore. i like my own company too much and it worries me. sometimes i can see myself as like this ghost or spirt and can see people in my life live as though i was never there. theres a reason why i see that and why people always move on from me, its me, im the problem, im the reason why im depressed, im the reason why i cry, im the reason why im on tablets, im the reason that cause stress and upset to those around me.

i hate myself. i know that i hate myself from the way i talk to myself. i have the best life that anyone would love to have- loving parents, amazing close friends, ive got two lovely dogs and yet i feel numb. i feel nothing sometimes and the hardest part about all of this is that i know when im happy and having a good time but i know when im down or getting down. god i hate myself so much; everyone has that little voice in their head, that puts them down but the scariest part of all, i think that little voice inside my head, is me talking. i can always feel myself getting down, my social bar decreases and i try to shout to myself to not do this, to not be bitchy, to not be moody but i cant help it. i love my family so much but i just treat them like shit, im the worst. i thought i would be better by now but i guess not.

moving back from uni, in my mind, was escaping the cause of my depression. i understand that depression was going to hit me at some point in life, uni just pushed it there faster. i felt so happy coming home and now that ive settled back in, im getting down again, lower then at uni. i thought uni was the cause and that i wouldnt be as depressed, however, i realise now that i am depressed no matter on the time, the location. how much i weigh. how good my skin is, how nice my hair is. no matter what i do i feel.........meh. i obviously dont always feel like this- but i get scared that this feeling is going to appear more and more.