nonsense

i was watching a tv show on netflix about some married couple and i figured that i enjoy missing you. i want to see you for some reason, i want to bump into you randomly but weirdly enough i want to see you with another girl, i want you to be happy. i think this is the definition of closure but im sure closure needs to feeling of my tummy turning over when i see you in the street. i dont know if i miss you or the feeling i had when i was with you, though some down days has slugged across my path when i look back i can only see my faded memories making my mind smile. i dont remember the bad times i had with you because i would trade 3 of these down days for one good day just to laugh like i used to. however though this may seem like love and i suppose it is but i am not and i repeat am not in the deep depths of being in love but i miss you. i miss you i miss you i miss you. i just miss you as a person not as a partner or anything close but as a friend. you helped me when my mental health was only apparent to you and mum, you helped me with my druken mum, you woke me up so i wouldnt sleep all day, you made me feel so comfortable in my own skin that i think i could have shed layers upon layers, you made me smile enough to break down those unbreakable walls, i told you my deepest darkest secrets and you just sat there and listened, you always made me say what i was thinking so the metaphor of the overflowing bottle would no longer leak down my cheek, you would never make me feel crazy, and you would always hear me out, you stood by my childish side and my crazy side, and yet stood for both of us when i no longer wanted to be here, you would get upset when i told you my future plans of existence but you would never weaver by standing right in=front of me, you never judged me nor ignored me, you were always my blanket, you were sometimes my light at the end of the tired out metaphorical tunnel, you made me think of the future that i never thought i would live long enough to see, you were the only one to know my funeral plans but yet never made me want to cry more, you were my bestfriend, at one point, not to quote The Real Thing, the 70's soul band, were my everything, not literally, but the thing that made me happy. its taken me years to come to terms with the dreaded words mental health, but looking back though i was better than i am now, you stood by me. thank you.

side note: future me is here, waking up after this massive offload is undeniably an incredible feeling, however, the deepen reasoning to this emotional revealing is probably down to the fact that the later the numbers read on the clock, it seems that i aggressively become more emotional and attached to my past. so maybe i need to learn that as it comes closer to the sun saying hello, maybe its the emotional and hysterical side of me taking control. me now, i don't know if i agree with all that i said but hey ho, it obviously was a delayed, extremely delayed, reaction to what happened 2 years ago. i truly think i never indulged in breaking up with a friend. it was a delayed thinking trial that i should have gone through a year ago.