murdered by suicide

please do not let my title worry you. its 1:26am on the 13th of december 2019 and yet again ive returned to a state which i do not like revealing. i normally put this feeling down to being away from home and currently squatting in a hole they call colchester however the feeling has crawled back. But yet the feeling, which like macbeth should not be named, has retuned, however, im 151 miles away from where i thought this feeling grew up. i find myself in deep anxious thought about how im feeling and like the joker, my mind plays tricks on me, making me believe that i somehow conjured up this storm of fake feelings. after my delusions has crawled back to its cage, i see that even that 30 second daydream was that feeling in its metamorph self. it sounds like i have a stalker, in a weird way im scared but yet egotistical that something or someone would stalk me....me. all dad jokes aside, i truely think that the little tiny elfs within the tablets are not helping but subsequently uncovering a deeper level to the feeling. its 1:44am and my secret dream of being a writer is slowly draining me of blinks, soon the feeling of the commonly known shut eye is poisoning me. as my body is slowing down, the lower my head falls, allowing the feeling to be let out of its cage and to take over my once innocent dreams.

its the 17th of december 2019 and i can feel myself falling slowly into the quick sand, however this time the chance of survival are slim. the chemicals that are meant to be helping my mind are not holding a life line out to save me but more watching me sink. with this entertainment, no wonder they watch. i think my chemical best-friends have played tricks on me, the past few months in my mind i have not changed, the feeling lingers like a rainy cloud however what if the change has been gradual, a sluggish pace that the naked eye could not see.this has confused me, though not hard to do. if these little buddies has changed the negative chemicals which are already situated within my mind then how come when i compare me now to me 3 months ago, i don't see or feel a difference. i think about this alot...this is what gives me the anxious feeling....its a never ending cycle. my urge to be 'normal' again puts even more pressure on the tablets and my acting skills to act better. the more i act the hard i sink. i hope in another 3 months i look back 6 months from then and see nothing but the past. i no longer want to carry around an umbrella for this rainy cloud.