losing something that i wished i never let go of

i broke up with someone because it was something i wanted and something i needed. i also thought i had fallen out of love with him but in fact it was the stupid excuse of "its not you, its me", without knowing i was lost at the time and maybe was confused about more things in my life than once thought but i should have never been confused about him. one of the problems i think i face sometimes is listening to other peoples opinions more than my own; he was just another object in my life that should never of been up to that decision.

i haven't stopped thinking about him for a year, i have played scenes in my head of walking down his street with a future love interest and explaining that i cant take one step towards the street he lives on, the new love interest asks why and i will try and explain this without using my obnoxious psychoanalytical learning but in this scenario i learn that maybe i got over the fact that i lost a boyfriend but i never got over losing my best friend. at one point, he was the best thing in my life- my anchor. no matter what happened or how i was feeling i know by the end of the day we would get onto that sofa with a bowl of crisps under a blanket watching Netflix- or i would be in his arms. looking back on my life, with what feels like my earth is crumbling around me, he was the light- that sounds so soppy but i honestly don't care.

he was always there for me, he didn't care what state i was in or how long he had to travel he was there. i wish in the two years i had the pleasure and absolute luck to have him, i wish i could have showed him that i could have been there for him. if he ever wanted to travel back to Birmingham because he missed his mum for example, fuck my black box i would have got him there in a heart beat, actually faster than the speed of light. i wish i was a mirror of him, to show him how good he treated me, i loved him, i love him still i think anyway.

i think about him at least once a day, i cant even take off the L i have on my Pandora bracelet that he gave to me over 3 years ago. i think it's why when a great thing comes along, i screw it up because they are nothing compared to him, the way i'm feeling right now, i could never love someone as though i loved him. as i am saying this, i don't even know where he is in the world, what hes getting up to, nor whats hes doing with his life.

i would love to get back together with him but the old him and the old me, well not the old me, i was a mess, i think i'm a lot better now, i mean the issues are bigger but i can deal with them better. he deserves and did deserve better, i was no match for him, gosh i used to be a brat, god i hate myself sometimes. you know every time i am in Birmingham i am so scared of seeing him and seeing people that knows him, that i avoid places he might be, i love the boy, but i don't want him to see him. HES SO MUCH BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME and i can say that for a fact. i wish i could take away the years he spent with me, he didn't deserve that, he deserves the world and i have never meant that as much as now. i would love to get back in contact not to screw up his life again but i miss my best friend. i love my friends i have now but i never laugh like i used to with him, he makes me smile just by saying hello. as i said i got over the fact that i lost a boyfriend but i never got over losing my best friend. maybe i just haven't met the right person yet to get over him but i always have that sinking feeling that he might have been the one. I've explained this to people and they always say the same thing, if you didn't stay together, honey, he wasn't the one. maybe he was, but i don't think i was ready, if we ever meet again and yes we have re-meet again because we are different people, i don't think i would be with him because i know no matter how much i improve and get better, he still deserves more than me. however writing all of this, i think because i miss HIM maybe i don't miss him, maybe i miss the memories and actually having a boyfriend. i dunno i think i'm always confused. looking back on snapchat memories, it seems like 10 years ago and not 3- but i think in order for me not to be confused i need to see him. maybe i miss the intimacy and having someone close, maybe this whole thing is actually me dealing with the fact that i might be lonely. but again saying that, i just miss having that someone that no matter what, wont judge me, and i don't think i have fully found that since him. i miss the IDEA of him, i miss the OLD times and i miss calling someone knowing that i'm their number one too. you have to understand this is all very selfish but i actually don't care, i think i needed to get this all out in order to realise my true feelings. see i thought i missed him but after going through snapchat memories which i haven't done in around a year, my heart didn't warm up seeing pictures of me and him together. so maybe this is just my mind finding something to latch onto. i dunno i'm having confusing thoughts and as you can see from this paragraph that i am. but getting back to the soppy side of things....

he probably has a new girl on his arm and probably never thinks about me and to be honest that kills me inside but the only thing i wanna know about his life is that if hes happy- i don't wanna know about his career, or his love life or anything, i just wanna know if hes happy. i loved him and probably always will.

side note: its 3 days later and what a guess, i can no longer relate to what I've said. i think it may be due to releasing my feelings on this page, but i haven't thought about him for 3 days and have no feelings towards him anymore. fuck...i wished i did this year ago.

side note: its been months, and i think im alright. my prediction of foretelling that this post just needed to bleed from my cluttered mind was correct, my psychoanalysis learning has helped me establish that maybe i just miss the old times, the times of being younger and not a few months away from getting a real job, i think i just crave a boyfriend and probably attention- funny enough i am the only one who reads this so, a little weird i showing attention to myself buy hey how. hello future me who rereads this.